WASHINGTON D.C. – After an estimated 113 million Americans tuned in to watch Super Bowl LIX, the nation arose Monday morning to discover that Canadian forces had used the opportunity to once again burn down their White House.
As nearly a third of the US population watched the Eagles defeat the Chiefs, including President Trump himself in person, Canadians chose this moment to strike back in the simmering US/Canada trade war in the exact same fashion as the War of 1812.
“Some Americans might accuse us Canadians of repeating ourselves militarily,” explained Canada’s Chief of the Defence, General Jennie Carignan, “but to them I say we burned down your stupid White House! Again!”
“That’s what they get for bringing tariffs to a gasoline fight!” Carignan added, while hurrying her troops back across the Peace Bridge under cover of darkness.
Canadian troops report that the White House ignited even quicker than expected, due to an overabundance of discarded McDonalds wrappers and shredded documents.
“Yeah, it went up pretty fast, eh” noted one visibly singed special ops sergeant. “Apparently bronzer is super flammable.”
Reports indicate that US Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was unable to respond quickly to the Canadian attack, largely due to a tailgate party where he had been spent all morning doing keg stands.
Canada’s “Operation 1812: The Sequel” has reportedly existed for years as an emergency contingency in the eventuality of American hostilities. One long range plan in particular helped the Canadian arson attack succeed.
“Our sources knew that Kendrick Lamar would be performing the half time show, presenting the perfect moment for us to strike,” explains Canadian military strategist Archie MacDunnough. “That is why we enlisted a true Canadian patriot, Drake, to lure Lamar into a cross border rap beef, lulling the American rapper into a false sense of security so large that most Americans would surely be watching.”
“Your sacrifice will not be forgotten, soldier,” added MacDunnough, pinning on a commemorative poppy in recognition of Drake’s once-glorious hip-hop career.
Speaking from Ottawa, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau addressed the retaliatory attack.
“The Trump administration started this pointless tariff war, and Canadians are happy to end it.” Trudeau added, “Canadians are also happy to send down the same firefighters we just loaned to California, to extinguish your smouldering West Wing.”
