QUEEN’S PARK – Soon after debuting his “Canada Is Not For Sale” hat, Ontario Premier Doug Ford was spotted wearing a second hat to clarify that he is still very much for sale.
“I was thrilled to see ‘Canada Is Not For Sale’ hats flying off the shelves,” said Ford. “It reminded me why I became a politician in the first place: making money.”
The hat reads “DOUG FORD IS FOR SALE” in all-caps font, leaving no doubt about the Premier’s complete and utter lack of integrity. Where the first hat featured a Canadian flag on the side, the new one has a QR code for those interested in viewing Ford’s latest bribe rates. Also, the hat is too small.
“In today’s political climate, there’s no room for subtlety,” explained Ford. “You can’t just take your bribes under the table at your daughter’s engagement party anymore. That’s why I’m wearing this hat.”
The Premier wants to send a clear message to Ontarians that there’s no shame in selling out for a little bit of cash, provided it’s done within one’s home province. In an unrelated update, Ford reminded his constituents that his $200 rebate cheques will be in their mailboxes just in time for the early election he’s going to call at the most financially opportune moment.
Ford paired his two hats with a T-shirt emphasizing that, while Canada is not for sale, many parts of Ontario are, such as vast swaths of the Greenbelt, all publicly owned museums, and Hamilton. His belt is made entirely of tear-off tabs that advertise his contact information for e-transfers.
“We will never sell our country to America,” said the Premier. “But any American developers interested in purchasing land in Ontario should please come and speak to me directly.”
In other news, opposition leader Marit Stiles has been pictured wearing a hat that reminds Ontarians that Ford previously endorsed Donald Trump.
