HALIFAX – To the delight of its longstanding customers, Jimmy’s Seafood and Steak Shack has recently installed a 200 galleon tank full of live lobsters so customers can have their pick of which one they want to fuck.
“Jimmy’s has long had some of the best seafood in town, but their new and improved LILF tank puts them in a whole new category,” said one reporter. “I recommend starting with the Caesar salad, having the medium-rare New York strip for your main, and then finishing with lobster for dessert. Oh, and make sure to ask for extra butter.”
With many restaurants now choosing to serve whichever lobster they happen to pull out of the tank, Jimmy’s has attracted a loyal clientele of serious enthusiasts who are picky about their crustaceans.
“They have mature lobsters, curvy and petite lobsters, mommy and daddy lobsters… there’s really something for everyone,” said an anonymous customer. “Personally, I like a lobster with big, strong claws.”
All the lobsters have had their age verified by marine biologists and are well-compensated with clams and mussels. For customers whose experience with lobster is limited, Jimmy himself will help you pick out one guaranteed to leave you feeling sated.
“I’m from the American Midwest, and while yes, you can find fuckable lobsters there, they just aren’t as fresh and juicy,” said a cruise ship patron who’d stopped in for a hot, buttery treat. “Having the chance to fuck an Atlantic lobster fresh out of the ocean is a real delight.”
Jimmy’s also offers bibs, a variety of toppings and, for the benefit of kinkier customers, lobster crackers.
“Mmm, yeah, those are a couple of juicy ones,” said a man who had convinced his wife to try lobster for the first time with him. “Take the elastic bands off nice and slow.”
At press time, customers were horrified to discover that Jimmy’s also offers to boil the lobsters alive and serve them as food.
