TORONTO – As shopping malls and grocery stores switch to Christmas music and eager neighbours begin putting up decorations, local accountant Thomas Muncy has told reporters that he’s ejaculating even earlier than usual this year.
“I’ve struggled with premature ejaculation for decades, and it feels like every year it comes even sooner than before,” Muncy said. “Just once I’d like to see the calendar turn to December before I start disappointing my wife.”
Medical sources say there are several reasons Muncy could be ejaculating even quicker than usual, including stress, dietary changes, the steady but relentless march of time warping his perception of what his life used to be like, and undiagnosed prostate issues.
“There are a variety of treatment options available for Mr. Muncy’s aliment,” one doctor said. “Ultimately, however, he may just have to accept that he’s going to jizz a little bit earlier each November.”
A psychologist told reporters that, in some ways, Muncy might actually be benefiting from ejaculating even quicker than usual.
“Everyone complains when it happens, yet some men are happy to get their cumming out of the way early before it gets too stressful,” the psychologist said. “This can be a source of tension if their loved ones prefer to leave ejaculation until the very last minute.”
Muncy’s wife told reporters that while her husband’s premature orgasms were a yearly source of frustration, she’s ultimately happy to see him cum at all.
“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t roll my eyes a little when he ejaculates so early,” Shannon Muncy told reporters. “But I’ve lived with men who simply didn’t ejaculate, and that’s even less fun. Maybe this is naïve of me, but in this cold, cynical world of ours, seeing Thomas ejaculate still puts a smile on my face.”
At press time, Muncy’s friends and family were complaining that videos of him ejaculating had already flooded their streaming services and would remain there until the end of the year.
