CALGARY – Days after announcing an UltraBasic fare that includes no carry-on bags or seat selection, WestJet has announced a SuperUltraBasic ticket that skips the plane ride entirely.
“Here at WestJet, we realise that Canadians hate flying with WestJet,” said a WestJet representative. “So why not avoid all the stress and exhaustion of dealing with us by sending us 100 bucks and then enjoying a nice, quiet evening at home?”
For an extra $60, WestJet will text a SuperUltraBasic ticket holder a picture of the arrival concourse at the Canadian airport of their choice. And, for an extra $85, a WestJet representative will come to your house, remove a beloved article of clothing, and ensure you never see it again.
WestJet also announced that this has somehow made all of their other services more expensive.
“This new ticket is so convenient,” said frequent flyer Greg Cardinal. “Dealing with WestJet is like haggling with a more impersonal Satan, and the SuperUltraBasic ticket minimizes my interactions with the company. Sure, I won’t get to my destination, but I can serve myself all the little bags of pretzels I want.”
WestJet is advertising its new ticket with slogans like “Our pilots are overworked and if you think about it that’s really your fault,” “Do you really want to visit Edmonton?” and “Statistically, Mom will likely cling to life in her nursing home for another year” placed over an image of a Boeing plane shedding parts during an emergency landing.
“As Canadians grapple with the rising cost of living, we’ve found a way to make travel cheaper than ever,” WestJet’s spokesman said. “Just don’t do it and pretend you did. Is anyone really going to call you out if you lie about visiting Montreal over a long weekend? You’d probably just eat a bunch of poutine and get drunk anyway. Frankly, you assholes should be grateful we ever let you on our planes to begin with.”
At press time, WestJet revealed a MegaSuperUltraBasic ticket where the company just reaches into your bank account and withdraws 50 bucks whenever it needs a little extra spending money.
