TORONTO – In a collapse worthy of the Maple Leafs, Toronto’s PWHL team has been eliminated from the playoffs after blowing a commanding 2-0 series lead in their best-of-5 semifinal against Minnesota.
“It took years for the modern Leafs core to develop a reputation for crumbling in big moments, but the women have come out swinging and completely fucked up in their first year,” said a Sportsnet analyst. “Huge failures like this make it clear the PWHL can become a major component of the Toronto sports landscape.”
“As female hockey players, we proved the PWHL is just as passionate and entertaining as the NHL, and as female hockey players in Toronto, we proved we’re just as capable as men’s teams of falling apart when it matters,” said captain Blayre Turnbull. “We can blow what should be an insurmountable playoff lead for half the cost of a Leafs ticket, so come watch us flail around again next year.”
Despite the season’s disastrous end, Torontonians are thrilled to have a whole new way to be disappointed by sports.
“It’s only year one, and they’re already ripping my heart out at a championship level,” said one anonymous fan. “As long as we eventually win a single title we can cling to over the futile decades to come, I’ll be a Toronto PWHL fan for life.”
“Toronto had an impressive regular season before crashing out of the first round of the playoffs in humiliating fashion, and we packed the stands to groan in collective dismay,” added another fan. “With support like that, I bet Toronto could also welcome an underperforming women’s baseball team to rival the Jays.”
Minnesota advances to face Boston in the final, meaning Canada’s Walter Cup drought now sits at one year. Because half of the PWHL’s six teams are Canadian, analytics experts believe a Canadian team should win the Cup by 2057.
