OTTAWA – Facing criticism for not having any plans to combat the climate crisis, opposition leader Pierre Poilievre has promised that if he becomes Prime Minister, “the country will be facing much larger problems.”
“We know Canadians are frustrated with the government’s inaction on the environment, which is why my cabinet will ensure there will be plenty of things for them to be frustrated about instead,” Poilievre explained. “No one’s going to care about the world burning when we invest the entire economy into crypto.”
Besides the accelerated collapse of the environment, other items on the Conservative agenda include reducing regulations on the housing market to allow developers to build a condo in the Rogers Centre, banning all books from school libraries except the most racist Harry Potter ones, and mandating everyone in the country wear glasses except for Poilievre.
Poilievre also explained that he understands that the climate crisis is mainly a youth-centric issue, which is why he’s made sure his party will be attempting to ensure they’re distracted as well to woo their votes.
“We’ve already laid the groundwork for making sure young voters won’t hold us accountable for inaction on the climate change crisis by slandering the pharmacare plan so they’ll have a harder time getting their ADHD medication,” Poilievre explained. “We just need to remind young Canadians that they won’t have to worry about climate change as they’re more likely to die in the upcoming bread-pricing wars. They’ll be voting blue in no time!”
While a possible respite from climate change anxiety is tempting, not all voters are swayed by the Conservative’s lofty ambitions. Liberal voter Tara Elgin of Kamloops BC notes, “I don’t doubt for a minute that Conservatives’ hearts are in the wrong place and they will do everything in their power to make life in Canada worse, but since when do we count on anyone to keep their election promises? Even if they do mandate a vaccine that cancels out any of COVID vaccines, it still feels like they’re promising more misery than they can deliver.”
Some experts have noted that Poilievre’s strategy appears to be the opposite of that of the NDP, who typically use climate change as a platform to remind people that they still exist.
