ST JOHN’S — The late Alan Hynes has surprised friends and relatives by reappearing in spectral form, able to communicate in a voice that’s suddenly low, resonant and intelligible.
“I don’t know if there’s a speech therapist in the afterlife,” said Hynes’s former best friend Sheryl Hillier, “but it’s nice to finally be able to understand him. When he was alive, no matter what he said, he sounded like a mezzo-soprano riding a roller coaster going down a big hill.”
Hynes’s prior high-pitched quavering voice caused many difficulties in his living years, notably during his stints working as a bingo caller, ESL teacher, campus radio deejay, reader for the blind, lead singer in a Doors tribute band, and 911 operator.
“It wasn’t just his voice,” said Hillier. “He had this really soft way of walking, almost gliding. He’d appear in a room when you weren’t expecting him. It’d give me some fright! Especially with how often he wore puffy white shirts and long flowing jackets that always seemed to be blowing in the wind, even indoors.”
Hynes’ re-emergence as a ghost has been universally welcomed, given the ease of understanding his new pleasing baritone voice.
“He actually says what he means now, too,” Hillier continued. “He speaks in short, declarative sentences that sound like Barry White moaning about his unfinished mortal business. He even walks with an audible stomp now, so he doesn’t surprise you.”
In addition to communicating clearly, Hynes’s incorporeal being makes a habit of levitating objects slowly and evenly across a room, into the hands of someone who needs that item at that moment, and neatly scrawling GET OUT on mirrors in a perfectly legible serif font.
At press time, the relatives of Rush’s Geddy Lee have found new hope in learning of Hynes’ story.