OTTAWA – Inspired by the negative backlash after he shared the address of a random small house that he called “a shack”, Conservative Leader and MP Pierre Poilievre has declared that he will continue to share the addresses of Canadians who live in houses smaller than his own until his demands to become Prime Minister are met.
“Housing is an issue that Canadians care about, and while I’ve had some success in promising that I’ll be a better PM for housing than Trudeau, many people have correctly deduced that once I’m PM, I’ll simply double down on the existing housing system that prioritizes wealthy homeowners, landlords and developers over people who need affordable housing,” Poilievre admitted while announcing his demands.
“Therfore, I am now promising to release the address of one Canadian living in a home that I find ridiculously small every day until the day I am sworn in as Canada’s 24th prime minister.”
While it’s not uncommon for politicians to single out groups with lifestyles they don’t understand to rile up their bases for personal gain, Poilievre is the first Canadian politician to make low domicile square footage a doxxable offense. Political experts believe that this aggressive new tactic is due to Poilieve’s surprise and disappointment at failing to get any positive feedback when he stopped wearing his glasses and it did not result in the nation realizing he’s been just as pretty and cool as Justin Trudeau all along.
“Since we’re talking about housing, let’s just say those glasses are load bearing,” said UBC political sciences professor Darren Jones. “But in all seriousness, doxxing Canadians he believes are beneath him because they don’t live in McMansions or own several pieces of real estate like his family does was the logical next step for Poilievre. I just hope he never finds out about the tiny house movement, I don’t think his mind could take it.”
“Look, I’m not unreasonable, if Canadians don’t want me doxxing them, they should simply move to bigger houses, the kind of large houses that I myself would live in,” Poilievre added. “Specifically, the kind of large houses that receiving a six-figure government salary for one’s entire adult lives would purchase. Or, just make me Prime Minister. Once I’m PM, you can all live in a hole in the ground for all I care.”
At press time, Poilievre was seen looking at a small economy car while vomiting in disgust.
