OTTAWA – After Canadians were left devastated yesterday to learn that Taylor Swift’s massively anticipated Eras international tour wouldn’t be making any stops in Canada, Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre vowed that he would personally hold Justin Trudeau accountable for the oversight.
“Trudeau has made it impossible for Canadians to buy gas, groceries, OR Tay Tay tickets,” Poilievre stated in a press conference, wearing a sparkly pink t-shirt that read ‘When I’m Prime Minister, Taylor Swift Will Move Into The Rogers Centre.’ “It’s just one more slight that he has committed against Canadian Swifties nationwide. Believe me, he’s going to pay for this.”
“Or a ticket for me to see her in Singapore, whichever is more expensive.”
The Conservative leader paused to check his notes. “I, uh, knew Justin was trouble when he walked into office, but don’t worry: soon the ‘bad blood’ of the Trudeau family name will be gone from Canada, and believe me: they are never, ever getting back together.”
A Poilievre staffer anonymously confessed that his boss had spent his entire day trying to find evidence that the Prime Minister had personally stopped Swift from performing in Canada.
“Mr. Poilievre was on hold with Ticketmaster for like, five hours,” the employee whispered, checking to make sure no one could hear. “He kept screaming that ‘no one gets more hate than people who wrong Taylor Swift,’ and ‘this was his chance to make Canadians finally think he’s cool.’”
“He never got through to anyone, but he did say something about karma being his boyfriend and not Justin’s? I dunno, I’m more of a Katy Perry fan.”
At press time, Poilievre was Tweeting a rumour that Swift’s lack of Canadian shows was due to her and the Prime Minister having a secret relationship that ended in a bad breakup.
