EDMONTON – As Alberta experiences yet another day of choking smoke from global warming-induced wildfires, the UCP has assured Albertans that they have a plan to prevent this increasingly common disaster from ever happening again: giant fans powered by Alberta’s abundant oil reserves.
“Smoke is in the air, fans blow air away, so we’re confident giant fans will blow the smoke in the air away from Alberta,” said Alberta Premier Danielle Smith. “And naturally the fans will be powered by Alberta oil. Purchased at a premium, of course, the province’s noble oil producers have already suffered enough from shutdowns due to the fires.”
“We’re also exploring using the fans to blow out the forest fires, like the candles on a birthday cake. We’ll literally be fanning the flames, which we all know makes fires go out.”
“And I do want to assure Albertans that while these fans may look somewhat like wind turbines, they will not generate any electricity, quite the opposite. And they will kill approximately a thousand times more birds.”
While most scientific (and non-scientific) experts agree that building giant gas-powered fans will not make the air in Alberta cleaner and will in fact just make the problem worse by releasing more carbon and more particulates into the atmosphere, the UCP is instead listening to their own expert, a right-wing conspiracy podcaster who goes by the handle of ‘Al Berta’ and refuses to give his real name because “that’s how they get you.”
“I told Premier Smith my idea for the giant fans while I was interviewing her for my show about how vaccines caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, and she was very receptive,” said Mr. Berta. “We were both coughing pretty badly because we refused to give in to the woke mob which forces people to close their windows when the air is full of poisonous smoke, but she got the gist of what I was proposing.”
The Alberta NDP has called the UCP’s giant gas-powered fan plan ridiculous and is promising that if they’re elected, the giant fans they’ll build to blow away the smoke from wildfires will be powered by 25% renewables.