OTTAWA – After a damning CSIS report revealing efforts by Chinese spies to influence Canada’s 2019 election, a follow-up report by Elections Canada concluded that foreign spies appear to be the only remaining group of people in the country with any interest in engaging in Canadian politics.
“According to CSIS, during the 2019 election, the Government of China operated a highly sophisticated network that funnelled money and operatives to the campaigns of at least 11 MPs, and were possibly involved with influencing dozens more,” said Elections Canada researcher Michelle Seaton.
“In contrast to this, the average Canadian donated money to zero MPs, volunteered for no no one, and influenced exactly 0 elections,” said Seaton.
“Furthermore, while it’s estimated the average Chinese spy can name at least half of all sitting MPs, what bills are currently in the Senate, and spends an average of 4 hours a week reading political news, most Canadians can only name the party leaders, and haven’t watched a debate since Justin Trudeau lied about reforming the electoral system in 2015.”
The report also detailed that as part of China’s efforts to control Canadian policy, the PRC ran a network of spies working as campaign staffers in the hopes of getting closer to policymakers.
“Frankly, I think it’s great to see young people getting involved in Canadian politics,” said Political Science Professor Stephen DeRourke.
“Ideally those young people wouldn’t also be foreign-trained agents of a potentially hostile state working against our nation’s sovereign interests, but hey, at this point in Canadians politics we’ve gotta take what we can get.”
When asked what exactly makes foreign spies so especially capable of retaining interest in Canadian politics while regular Canadians seem unable to, one Chinese spy, who spoke on condition of anonymity, explained that their rigorous psychological training including sleep deprivation and waterboarding was “perfect preparation” for working as a staffer in an MPs office.
“The hardest part of working in politics is having to pretend I actually believe I’m making some kind of a difference,” says Jeffrey*, who in addition to helping funnel money to the campaigns of multiple MPs deemed friendly to China, worked his way from campaign volunteer onto the staff of a sitting MP, who he’s currently developing for blackmail.
“There’s definitely been more than a few committee meetings I’ve sat-in on which made me want to bite down on the cyanide pill I keep in my fake tooth, but overall it’s been a really great learning experience for me.”