VANCOUVER – An international team of scientists has concluded a revolutionary study investigating the inner workings of the animal mind and the results are: nothing interesting.
The study involved dozens of scientists from around the world using advanced technologies to shed light on the strikingly mundane day-to-day thoughts of dozens of species, from rats to whales.
“We are extremely excited with the results of our unprecedented collaboration,” said lead scientist Dr. Clarise Evanson. “We were afforded a glimpse deeper into the animal mind than ever before. What we found was banal and unsurprising.”
“For millennia, we have pondered what animals are thinking. Indeed, few pet-owners have not wondered what is going on inside our pet’s mind. I’m proud to announce that our cutting-edge research has found that dogs’ thoughts are exclusively related to food, procreation, and taking a dump on the neighbour’s lawn,” said Dr. Evanson.
As part of the study, a team of Austrian scientists monitored the thoughts of thousands of house cats, concluding that cats’ thoughts are similarly limited. “We found that cats have just six general thoughts: ‘I will destroy this’, ‘This needs to smell like me’, ‘Keep petting me or I will kill you’, ‘I just pooped and I’m excited’, and something that roughly translates to ‘I don’t give a fuuuck.’”
A particularly uninteresting finding resulted from a study that looked into the mind of baleen whales. After analysing nearly five years of continuous brain monitoring data streamed from suction cupped electrodes emitting periodically to a satellite, scientists found that 96% of time the whales were simply thinking “krill, krill, krill, krill, krill.”
Last week, a second scientific team released the findings of a sister study that monitored the brain activity of over 8,000 politicians from around the world and concluded that 93% of politicians’ thoughts roughly translate to “me, me, me, me, me.”