VANCOUVER — The look on the face of Tony, a young bulldog tied to a parking meter outside Denman Liquor, has set the Guinness World Record for sheer, profound, heart-wrenching sadness.
“I don’t understand it,” said passerby Susan Armstrong, struggling to maintain her composure. “He wasn’t howling. He wasn’t even barking. He just had that look of a creature who’s been abandoned for unfathomable reasons that are somehow absolutely his fault.”
Armstrong was one of numerous people who snapped and uploaded pictures of the unbelievably mournful hound to social media, which quickly attracted the attention of representatives of the Guinness corporation.
Upon a quick inspection, Tony’s face was immediately given the title of Saddest Sadness Ever, beating previous record holders The Little Match Girl, the first ten minutes of Up and a D-Minor chord played on a harmonica.
Janet Louis, Tony’s owner, soon emerged from Denman Liquor holding a bottle of Fat Tug IPA, wondering what all the fuss was about. The assembled sniffling crowd followed her and Tony at a respectful distance, wanting to make sure Tony was really going to be okay.
On being informed by Guinness representatives of Tony’s accomplishment, Louis remarked “Yeah, that’s just the way his face is shaped. He looks like that no matter how he’s feeling. Watch this…” Louis then fed Tony a treat, which he ate eagerly, wagging his tail. His eyes remained impossibly despondent, deepening the sorrow of the whole affair by several degrees.
At press time Tony’s entry on the Guinness World Records website has logged an unprecedented number of hits and has been the catalyst for approximately 97% of visitors to have a good, long, cleansing cry.