LONDON, UK – In a rare candid interview this week, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II announced her formal plan to outlive heir to the throne Prince Charles, “no matter the dark deeds required.”
Her Majesty, who has famously remained neutral her entire reign, took a moment during Platinum Jubilee celebrations earlier in June “to cut the shit” and “talk straight” to the press. “Look – you don’t like Charles, I don’t like Charles, no one likes Charles. If I die and pass the crown to him, I give the monarchy two weeks – tops. The plebes will riot if they have to look at his smug face and weird ears on their money.”
“Did you know he believes in homeopathy? What a tosser,” she added.
According to sources within Buckingham Palace, the Queen has been heard muttering vague threats to Charles to “enjoy the palace while he can.” She has also been chuckling darkly to herself every time Charles or Camilla mentions “the future” and when family members mentioned the swirling gossip that the Queen may be dead already, she simply tapped the side of her nose and winked.
“I think she’d love to convince Charles she’s already croaked. Lull him into a false sense of security” mused Prince Edward, Duke of Kent, who accompanied Her Majesty to Jubilee celebrations in lieu of the late Prince Philip. He is rumoured to be her new side piece and is confirmed to be her first cousin.”Of course, it’s hard to trick him when he’s always hanging around. Get a life, son!”
When asked if she plans to outlive Charles through artificially extending her own life, through continued use of her hologram, or through nefarious actions taken toward her son, she looked into the middle distance and whispered, “Oh, a little of column A….”
The Queen says she regrets that both she and Charles didn’t expire back when William was young and likeable, which would have secured the future of the monarchy. “But who knew Billy was going to turn into such a cockwomble? I did not have that on my bingo card. Whatever bingo is.”
“When I started, all you had to do was wave and keep your war crimes quiet. Of course, Charles has a shit wave.”
Increasingly, the Queen has been reportedly wondering if she should simply pull a Henry the Eighth and write out a new succession in her will, with plans to “throw a couple bastards in there” just to get everyone riled up.
“One must leave a thoughtful plan in the event of one’s death. And my plan may be to leave the whole thing to Meghan, for a right laugh,” the Queen said with a giggle, before skipping off to check Amnesty International’s Travel Warnings for ideas on where to send Charles for his next royal tour.
