OTTAWA – A time traveller from the 25th century has reported that your grandfather packed some serious equipment and knew just how to use it.
“I’m sure you only thought of your grandpa as a doddering old man,” said Blaze Glorpington when you unexpectedly ran into him during a visit to your grandfather’s grave, “but you need to understand that he spent decades railing men and women alike with tremendous passion and staying power.”
Glorpington, an experienced recreational time pervert from Neo Moncton, explained that your grandfather was a generous lover, satisfying a long list of partners who always came back begging for more.
“I have firsthand—and mouth—experience of your grandfather’s incredible expertise and voracious appetite,” Glorpington said. “And once your grandmother entered the picture, well, that’s when the sparks and bodily fluids really began to fly.”
When pressed for a broader range of information about their travels through the staggering infinities of time, Glorpington muttered a few remarks about the horrific ravages of climate change and something called the Water Wars before veering back into a lengthy paean to your grandfather’s genitalia.
“Many men, especially from his time, would simply assume that possessing nine inches of throbbing manhood would be enough on its own to get the job done, but your grandfather was clearly a dedicated and enthusiastic student of the erotic arts,” Glorpington said. “His ingenious use of an Atari 2600 controller alone… frankly, it was an honour to be repeatedly brought to orgasm by his pulsating hog.”
Glorpington added that getting choked by Prime Minister Charles Tupper was “hot as fuck,” then suggested that you stay inside on July 17th before vanishing back into the timestream.