Life over the pandemic has been difficult… mostly because of other people. We all know what it feels like to get coughed on by an anti-masker on the subway, get into a fight with a coworker who learned that it’s “just a flu” from Joe Rogan, or have your morning commute sidelined by a gaggle of unvaccinated dipshits honking airhorns all across downtown.
Sometimes it pays to stay at home, but the chores just keep piling up! You should probably get on those. Trust us, it’s better than going outdoors.
Here’s five household chores better than social interaction:
If there’s one thing that beats talking to other people, it’s inhaling lungfuls of discarded skin and hair particles while reaching under the bed to clean the back corner of the room you haven’t so much as thought about in years. For funsies, see if you can turn the number of times you sneeze into a world record! It definitely beats having to invent all the “crazy stuff” you’ve been getting up to lately (working from home, for the last two full years, in a one-bedroom apartment in Markham) when somebody asks. Sort of.
- Dirty Dishes
So you could go out to the bar and have a bro blow cigarette smoke right into your open mouth, OR you could stay home and chip away at the pile of dishes you’ve spent the last six weeks praying will just go away. There’s a clear winner here, which means it’s time to end this game of chicken! Suit up in your apron and rubber gloves and go scrub down the sink-shaped petri dish, where you’ll probably find that an entire healthy ecosystem has grown. There’s a pretty good chance you’ll discover a new species, and if you’re lucky, maybe even get it named after you. Godspeed, Mr. Cousteau.
When you’re rich and famous, you might just forget that time your friends bailed on dinner “just to be covid-safe,” but not on the bitchin’ concert you saw on their Instagram story afterwards.
- Complete Garden Overhaul
It’s the time of year when those pesky pests come back, and your begonias and succulents are straight up going to die unless you get in there with the hoe and the trowel and make some business happen. Break out the tilly hat and galoshes along with your best coffee table impression (by which we mean ‘get to stoopin’ on all fours!’) Weeds need pulling, and aphids need… aphid-chasing, after all.
As your joints and spirit begin to ache from hours of being hunched over like Quasimodo, just picture the alternative: It’s bring your kid to work day. A coworker walks in holding three “perfectly healthy” children hacking and wheezing like grizzled French chain smokers.
- Getting that Poop-Covered Toilet Bowl Sparklin’ Clean
Hell yes. You’ve always secretly wanted to be Mr. Clean, and as far as a starting point, it does not get better than a browned-out porcelain crater looking like the firebombing of Dresden. Plus, there’s a decent chance that mid-scrub, you black out from mixing different cleaning products together. You’ll wake up a few days later, which is a 48-72 hr reprieve from people! Bonus!
- Bunion Duty
Rising inflation, soaring rent, and stagnant wages sure have left their mark on your wallet. Even if you did want to, you can’t really afford to go anywhere, and you’ll need to scrape up a few bucks by taking your grandfather’s corns to the cleaners. (Literally no one else is going to do it.) Prep the industrial sander and hazmat suit, and commence your mission to send every boil, bunion, and corn on those Paleozoic foot-husks back to the era they came from. While you do, try your absolute damndest to minimize your exposure to those Ensure-farts. If not, sweet death may take you, but hey… maybe that’s a plus?