WINDSOR, ON – A days-long protest on the Ambassador Bridge between Canada and the USA has come to a swift end after police employed the heretofore unimaginable tactic of doing their jobs even a little bit.
With trade across the border halted, and auto manufacturing grinding to a halt thanks to the illegal “Freedom Convoy” occupation, Windsor Police say desperate times had led them to desperate measures: trying anything at all.
“We’ve spent days here at the border trying all of our usual tactics: nothing, standing around, waiting for overtime to kick in, less than nothing, and naps,” explained Windsor Police spokesperson Brandon Merks. “And yet, the protestors still refused to disperse.”
Witnesses report that the police may have accidentally done their jobs Saturday morning, nearly clearing the entire bridge, before officers became spooked and immediately ceded it back to the mob.
Merks explained, “Our officers were about to regroup for another sustained push of total inaction, when a new recruit suggested something he’d seen in a movie: acting like police.”
“Plus someone reminded us the Ontario Superior Court had just granted an injunction demanding we clear the bridge, so we made the bold move of trying to do just a smidgen of our jobs,” added Merks.
Among the protestors, many expressed surprise at the Windsor Police’s cunning stratagem of doing any policing whatsoever.
“I own a roofing business and several investment properties back in Edmonton, plus my brand new Dodge Ram’s horn is very, very loud,” said convoy member Frank Horton of Airdrie. “So you can imagine my utter shock when a police officer told me I wasn’t allowed to do whatever I want. I’m pretty sure cops doing literally anything to me is illegal, at least according to Canada’s Declaration of Independence.”
Many frustrated observers have noted that the protestors immediately folded and left in the face of even a bare minimum amount of police effort. However, officers insist the situation was always challenging.
“The first complicating factor you have to understand is that these convoy protestors are very, very white,” noted one Windsor Police Officer. “That immediately reduces our ‘doing anything’ options down to about zero. But it turns out that using even a small fraction of our policing powers can work against even the whitest and truck-driving-est of suspects. You learn something new every day.”
In a related story Ottawa’s Police force has adopted a “do lots of things” strategy, namely helping protestors set up infrastructure, protecting them while they transport fuel, letting them use cruisers for photo ops, and actively ignoring complaints from residents who’ve been harassed.
