Anti-vax family thankful they’ll have more leftovers this year - The Beaverton

Anti-vax family thankful they’ll have more leftovers this year

VANCOUVER – This family, the Millers, announced that they’ll be giving thanks for all the extra after several family members passed away from Covid-19 this year.

Despite the loss of her brother and in-laws, matriarch Justine Miller couldn’t deny the positives. “Hosting Keith’s parents was always such a hassle. I’d have to prepare the guest room in case they decided to stay the night, and they never used coasters for their drinks. Also my brother Mike always used to go back for seconds before anyone was even finished with their firsts. So it’s great not to have to worry about that. Because they died.”

Eldest son Stevie Miller was also looking on the sunnier side of needless deaths in the family. “Fewer dishes to do and more gravy? What’s not to like? Sure, uncle Mike was a cool guy and his death was easily preventable, but uncles come and go, brussels sprouts are forever. Plus who knows, if Grandma Charlotte’s cough gets any worse I might get another slice of pumpkin pie.”

“The important thing to remember is that Covid only kills the sick and elderly,” said father Keith. “I don’t think they deserve to die but if I had to pick between them and Justine’s famous stuffing? Eeh.”

“They say you can’t choose your family,” he continued. “But that’s an outrageous breach of my personal rights and freedoms, so by choosing to be unvaccinated I’ve taken back control, all it cost was a couple of parents and a pretty annoying brother-in-law.”

In addition to the family members not present due to being dead, Justine’s sister, Marie, and her family announced they will also not be attending this year as they are fully vaccinated and do not want to encourage the Millers’ stance.

“Marie is terribly ill-informed,” said Justine of her sister who is also an infectious disease physician. “I keep trying to get her to read my research but she claims that Joe Rogan podcast transcripts don’t count as empirical evidence.”

As for after plans, the Millers say they intend to bring some leftovers down to the where Justine’s father is currently in the ICU so they can have something to snack on while they yell at nurses.