LOS ANGELES, CA – A prominent celebrity has told the Beaverton that they “couldn’t be prouder to be Canadian,” while requesting anonymity so as to avoid an investigation by the CRA.
The celebrity — who lives and works in Los Angeles, maintains a tax sheltering vacation home in Bermuda, and hasn’t returned to Canada in over seven years — said “the world needs Canada now more than ever.”
“Just take, for example, our vital public healthcare system, which looks after everyone instead of just the rich,” said a multimillionaire who, thanks to the expensive services of an elite accounting firm that exploit tax loopholes and a ruthless team of lawyers who create convenient legal fictions, has not contributed a cent to Canadian social services since the moment they shot to fame.
They went on to praise Canada’s public education system for giving “an ordinary kid” the tools to succeed in the world. The celebrity’s own children attend an elite private school as part of their nepotistic fast-tracking into the upper echelons of America’s entertainment industry.
“And then there’s the vibrant culture, from the great arts to the iconic cuisine to, of course, hockey,” continued the person who couldn’t name the last Canadian television show they watched, has never tried poutine, and only watches sports when they’re offered courtside Lakers tickets.
The celebrity, who is scheduled to star in a movie where heroic Americans use America’s military might to save the world from nefarious foreigners, also praised Canada’s efforts on the diplomatic stage. “I’ve actually been developing an action movie with Zack Snyder about the Suez Crisis,” they said. “If I can convince Matt Damon to play Lester B. Pearson then we’ll start filming in Romania next year.”
“I really do think Canada is the greatest country in the world,” the celebrity concluded, while applying for American citizenship.