KAMLOOPS, BC – After Ian McKean purchased a 600 ml bottle of cocoa butter lotion, he has been unable to find a location in his apartment to put it that doesn’t suggest that’s where he furiously masturbates.
“Let’s be honest, the bedside table was never an option,” McKean told us. “And the computer desk? Forget it. That’s like jerk-off central.
McKean reportedly considered placing it beside the TV in his bedroom, but after a friend spotted it in a collective webcam hangout, he was given the new nickname “Big Screen Beater.”
“Who puts hand lotion near a TV? Ol’ Big Screen Beater needs his porn in surround sound apparently,” laughed friend Lauren Bigsby.
Other attempts to place the lotion included the bathroom, which suggested he liked disposing of the evidence in the toilet like a 13 year-old discovering his penis for the first time, and the kitchen.
“I thought ‘Hey, no one’s gonna think I’m wacking my rod in the kitchen,’ but after my roommate saw it while they were making tacos, they immediately dropped everything and asked me why I would cum all over their cast iron pan! It was a nightmare!”
“It’s cold in the winter! My hands get dry. I just want to make sure my knuckles don’t split, okay? Is that so weird? What are you, my mom in 10th grade?”
Efforts to avoid looking like a sicko who just launches semen over everything in his living space were rendered pointless as McKean reportedly kept toilet paper in his room because of “allergies.”