NEW YORK – Representatives for the NYSE have announced that water futures will enter commodities trading on the stock market, before cryptically adding that human bodies are composed of more than half water.
A spokesperson for foreign exchange company the CME Group Inc explained, “these futures will help water users manage risk and better align supply and demand, but also isn’t it a crazy coincidence that human beings are mostly made of water?”
“Just throwing that neat water trivia out there,” the spokesperson added before opening a PowerPoint tab labelled ‘Human-Sized Feeding Corrals’.
Across the business world hedge funds have expressed plans to invest heavily in water, as well as any ancillary water-related commodities and products. RBC Capital Markets analyst Deandra Marlin outlined to investors, “Despite water being a fundamental human necessity, we believe people must pay a fair market price for it, just the same way that we at RBC Capital should be able to buy and sell other things that are mostly comprised of water, and then maybe even sell those hypothetical water-based items to work for pennies on the dollar in an Amazon warehouse or something.”
“Anyhoodle, just spitballing, super stoked for water trading you guys,” Marlin concluded, fanning herself to tamp down her own visible excitement.
Markson Sharp, supervising manager of resource development at Nasdaq, also outlined the situation, noting that two billion people will soon live in nations plagued by water problems while also adding that it’s “kinda ironic” that those same people’s bodies are already mostly water.
“Just to be clear, it’s not like we’re talking about harvesting the water inside economically vulnerable people’s bodies for export–” Sharp clarified, before rushing to a nearby notepad labelled “Great Business Ideas” and scribbling something down.
At press time Prime Minister Trudeau addressed First Nations reserves currently struggling to obtain clean water, and offered to get them in touch with his hedge fund guy.
