OTTAWA – During a Zoom call with students from Ryerson University, Conservative Party of Canada leader Erin O’Toole informed young conservatives that they should stop thinking of Canada’s residential schools as the site of cultural genocide, and should instead think of them as Hogwarts for Indigenous kids.
“I mean, when you think about it, residential schools really offered the full Hogwarts experience,” O’Toole said, taking a sip from a mug labelled ‘Liberal Tears’. “A bearded white stranger would show up and take the children off to boarding school in an undisclosed location, away from their parents, where they’d be bombarded with British culture all day long. What could be so bad about that?”
“Really, the architects of residential schools always intended them to be a magical place,” O’Toole continued. “It’s just that the spell they were most interested in was making 70 unique languages disappear.”
O’Toole’s comments were delivered in an attempt to help Ryerson University student conservatives own the libs on campus, destroying them with facts, logic, historical revisionism, and assurances that they didn’t want to be invited to their dumb parties anyway.
“Admittedly, we’d been struggling to deal with the rising tide of wokeness on campus,” said Brayden Smithwharton, Vice-President Cuck-Wrangler of the Ryerson University Campus Conservatives. “When the SJWs on campus started saying that our great founder, Egerton Ryerson, was a racist just because he wanted to wipe Indigenous culture off the map, we struggled to respond.”
“We’d been planning to deflect from the issue by accusing Pierre Elliot Trudeau of being the Zodiac Killer, but we think Mr. O’Toole’s comments about Hogwarts will really leave them speechless.”
At press time, O’Toole could not be reached for comment, as he was busy searching for an invisibility cloak that would allow him to discreetly make sweet love to a racist statue.
