WASHINGTON— Following a year and a half of helping to facilitate the Trump Administration’s descent into authoritarianism, US Attorney General William Barr handed in his resignation yesterday after being unable to find proof that he would have any more opportunities to propel the country into a full-blown dictatorship going forward.
Barr, who throughout the course of his employment engaged in political and prosecutorial interference, violence against peaceful protesters, and the inaccurate spreading of voter fraud allegations, stated that his only regret was that he couldn’t have done more.
“I was really hoping that I was going to get to participate in at least a few fun dictatorial hijinks before Christmas, but it unfortunately looks like that’s just not going to happen,” Barr told reporters after dropping off his resignation at the White House, along with a file simply labelled ‘Cancelled Regime Uniform Designs.’
“After examining all the evidence, including the results of the most recent election, I have to admit that our budding fascist empire has stepped its last goose, if you know what I mean.”
He paused for a moment in order to sadly rip up a hand-drawn picture of him and Trump crushing American workers with a giant judge’s gavel. “Stupid Biden. I never even got to assassinate a political opponent. Well, I guess there’s always freelance corruption.”
When asked for a comment on his Attorney General’s resignation, President Trump had high praise.
“Bill has done an amazing job, a fantastic job, even if he totally betrayed me by refusing to illegally proclaim the election a total fraud and letting me be President for the next fifty years,” Trump enthused. “The actions he has taken to completely undermine public trust in both democracy and the justice system were great, even if he never got those super secret underground ANTIFA death camps he always wanted. Nervous Nancy Pelosi wouldn’t let me give them to him for his birthday.”
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go hide in my bunker now that I don’t have him to protect me anymore.”
At press time, Barr was spotted whispering sweet, manifesto-filled nothings into Ivanka Trump’s ear in hopes that he could ride her coattails into authoritarianism when she inevitably announced her future Presidential run.
