WASHINGTON D.C. – Appearing at the White House for her swearing-in as a Supreme Court Justice, Amy Coney Barrett committed a humorous gaffe wherein she accidentally decided the upcoming US Election for Trump on the spot, instead of 1 week from now as was originally planned.
“I, Amy Coney Barrett, do solemnly swear to ignore all the ballots in Pennsylvania and declare Donald J. Trump president… Oops!” said Barrett, before the amused crowd of Republican politicians, lobbyists, and donors.
“I judge that to be an embarrassing whoopsie-doodle! But relax, everyone, we’ll definitely still be rigging the election for Trump next week,” Coney Barrett added, before returning to her swearing in.
Rather than expressing shock at Coney Barrett’s casual slip of the tongue, witnesses report that President Trump answered “Yeah, that was the deal”, before pledging to “act surprised” when the 6-3 conservative majority court undemocratically decides the election for him next week.
For their part, the assembled crowd took Coney Barrett revealing the months long Republican strategy to capture the American judiciary and maintain permanent minoritarian control through dubious court decisions in stride. “We’ve been working on this in the shadows for years,” chuckled Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, “so having ACB come out and say the quiet part loud – especially now that it’s a fait accompli and nothing can be done to change it – well that’s kind of a breath of fresh air.”
McConnell then excused himself to go laugh at some videos of orphans crying.
Reactions to the Coney Barrett election gaffe were mixed, though most pundits pointed to her confirmation hearings strategy of never answering a single question as reason not to worry. “She probably didn’t actually mean that thing about subverting the will of American voters through a stolen Supreme Court,” explained CNN’s Jake Tapper, before turning to a segment about whether Coney Barrett’s election-stealing reveal meant Joe Biden would pledge to pack the Supreme Court.
Reached for comment, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer reacted to Amy Coney Barrett’s comments about stealing the election by promising to send her “a slightly less nice” fruit basket than the one he was already planning to send.