WASHINGTON – Senate Republicans have confirmed that the crimes committed by US President Donald Trump, including abuse of power and obstruction of Congress, were not illegal.
In a 53-47 vote, criminal bribery, fraud, and criminal conspiracy were declared as decent and predictable actions for any normal leader of a democracy.
Majority Leader Mitch McConnell explained that while attempting to bribe a Ukrainian leader to dig up dirt on your opponent may look bad, it’s perfectly safe in the eyes of partisan interests.
“These actions are good crimes, not bad crimes,” explained McConnell cracking a champagne bottle to celebrate the victory of senselessness over the rule of law. “These good crimes will continue to be legal for a President so long as he’s Donald Trump.”
The Senate also voted 52-48 to pardon Trump for any of his future crimes, which are expected throughout the 2020 election and possible second term.
“I’ve always wanted to live in a Hobbesian state of nature,” said Senator Lindsey Graham. “Now all of America gets to join me.”
The Senate washroom will now use the 229-year-old US Constitution as its toilet paper.