EDMONTON — Mothers from all across Canada have banded together to form an extra-legal armed posse with the sole aim of making sure you get a doctor to check out that nasty cough.
Meeting at an undisclosed location for an impassioned torch-wielding rally, the vigilante mob of mothers, moms, step-moms, and the occasional grandma warn they will not be ignored. “You’ve had that cough for a while now,” shouted the gang’s unofficial leader, Maureen McCowan, of Fredericton. “It sounds like you might have picked up a bug! I can even hear it over the phone!”
“Which reminds me, would it kill you to call home more often,” McCowan added from beneath her hand-knitted balaclava.
The loose confederacy of moms declared that the sound of your persistent cough has left them no choice but to arm themselves and take to the streets. The thousands-strong group has reportedly outfitted themselves with torches, pitchforks, chains, fleece vests, and garden clippers, all in the name of protecting your health through deadly force.
“Sheila just joined a recreational softball league, so she brought along some handy aluminum bats,” added one masked mother as she assembled a molotov cocktail filled with Purell.
Canada’s mothers have released a manifesto ahead of their planned assault, unanimously agreeing that you “never wear a warm enough jacket” and that you consistently answer their heartfelt pleas to guard your health with a dismissive “Okay, mom.” They also warn they have been watching CNN, and, “that nice Doctor Oz keeps warning about that Corona Virus.”
“This! Ends! Tonight!” bellowed vigilante leader McCowan, as the thousands-strong mob waved handfuls of Kleenex and revved the engines of their various motorcycles and Honda CRVs.
The battle-ready mothers have already begun sweeping from British Columbia through to Newfoundland, abducting any and all of their offspring displaying coughs, sniffles, or God forbid a sore throat. One abduction in Kamloops was reportedly interrupted as several mother’s paused to fold the coughing victim’s laundry. Said abductees will then be forced to seek immediate medical treatment, preferably with former family pediatrician Dr. Penwell, “who still asks about what you’re up to these days.”
The nation’s RCMP forces have been completely overwhelmed by a coordinated assault of planned ambushes, firebombings, and Super Soakers filled with homemade chicken soup.
In a related story, the nation’s fathers have formed a secret underground cabal aimed at making sure you’ve installed energy-saving windows.
