TORONTO — Subway passengers are being warned never to attempt to reach for personal articles that have fallen onto the subway tracks, unless it’s their cell phone because how are you just going to leave that there?
Speaking out on the matter is Mark Gormman, head of track safety at Toronto’s independent Transit Safety Council. “Rider safety is our number one concern, and nobody wants anyone to get hurt on the subway tracks,” insisted Gormman. “We understand the temptation to try and brave the tracks to get back a lost wallet or set of house keys, but it’s just not worth the risk – unlike for say a new iPhone 11, which costs at least $900. What are you going to do, leave it there to possibly get run over?”
“You can probably make it in time,” added Gormman.
The Toronto Transit Commission has consistently warned riders of track level dangers, including oncoming trains, filthy uneven tracks, and of course the electrified third rail. “All dangers that completely pale next to losing your phone filled with all your apps, passwords, and personal photos,” explained the Transit Safety Council’s Gormman. “And if you have nudes on there, why are we even having this discussion? Go! Go! Go!”
Gormman also reminded phone-retrieving riders that there is only a one in three chance of touching the electrified rail, and that they can also probably avoid an oncoming train by jumping to the other tracks.
Local subway passenger Jeff Arnbold recounted one such experience. “I saw some guy jump down onto the tracks and I was so angry, until I realized he was going after that new facial recognition iPhone, and that’s so sick.”
“Plus,” the guard added, “the fine he paid was way less than say evading a TTC fare.”
Despite numerous posted signs advising customers to call security to retrieve any items that have fallen to track level, the Transit Safety Council has proposed carving out a clause for any smartphone, Apple Watch, or in some extreme cases, “like a Nintendo Switch, or something”. Reached for comment, a TTC spokesperson responded, “What the hell are you talking about? Stay off the damn tracks!”
While the Gormman and the Transit Safety Council also urge riders to stay off the tracks, not just for their personal safety but for the risk of causing significant travel delays for the entire subway line, they warn even more strongly about the delays you will experience from a lost phone.
“How the hell would you even function in the year 2020 without your phone,” asked an exasperated Gormman. “I can’t even make it from Pape Station down to the Ex without using Google Maps. Without your phone your entire day would be absolutely fucked.”
At press time the TTC was experiencing major service disruptions, leaving you with even more time to get down there and get your phone quick! Hurry!