WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a 5 to 4 decision, the US Supreme Court ruled today that while it remains illegal to lure people down to wine cellars, basements or catacombs and bury them alive behind brick or cinder-block walls for racist or revenge purposes, this action is legal when done for partisan political gain.
“Partisan live burial methods present political question that are beyond the reach of the federal courts,” Chief Justice John Roberts wrote in the Fortunato v. Montresor decision. “Federal judges have no license to interfere in the apportionment of political power between people who brick other people up in walls and the people thus vivisepultured.”
The liberal justices were quick to point out in their dissenting opinion that relying on the intent of the masons to decide the legality of a bricking will result in numerous cases of racist, vengeful or personal gain brickings being wrongfully attributed to political purposes, but the conservative justices disputed that conclusion.
“Due to the logistics involved, the vast majority of pre-death interments are undertaken by wealthy homeowners, upstanding citizens who can be counted on to truthfully relay the reasons why they felt a specific bricking was necessary,” Roberts asserts. “And if that reason is political, it becomes a matter for the voters to decide on, rather than the courts. Not all the voters, obviously, but the ones who can avoid being bricked up before the election.”
The Court also issued a ruling that the Trump administration’s blatant effort to add a citizenship question to the 2020 census to intimidate minorities had to be at least 30% less blatant before the Court could rule it legal.
