TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced to the media that the province will no longer be liable for misfeasance and negligence making it nearly impossible to sue the government. The announcement also coincided with the Premier’s new law that allows him to carry and brandish a handgun.
“There are so many useless lawsuits out there that’s costing the taxpayers hundreds of millions of dollars each year,” said Ford trying to spin the loaded Glock 17M pistol pretending he was some sort of cowboy. “Our new budget is for the people against the people who just want to sue Ontario for fake things like police brutality, contaminated drinking water, or being shot by a premier.”
The press conference was briefly interrupted by the Premier yelling “Quick draw!” before firing three rounds above the heads of press gallery members.
When a wounded CBC journalist asked if the province was washing their hands of any accountability for incompetence, the Premier insisted that his government always acts in good faith, which excuses any and all liability especially if one has a pretty sweet gun.
Meanwhile, Ontario Health Minister Christine Elliott explained that the $200 million cuts to public health agencies within the budget will help streamline smaller, separate measles outbreaks into one big measles outbreak.
