WASHINGTON, DC – This week, representatives of Prince ordered Donald Trump to immediately cease use of the deceased pop star’s funky, stimulating grooves at rallies that were described as “patently asexual.”
Chief litigator David Grier clarified that the legal action has nothing to do with Trump’s politics, and everything to do with the lack of sexy-plexy vibes. Said Grief, “The Trump rallies have repeatedly failed to provide required elements to properly complement Prince music, including a dearth of ruffled shirts, steam rising off dry ice, or copious amounts of purple.”
“Prince has left an important catalogue of music that makes you want to bump, hump and maybe shower in honey after,” added Grier. “We cannot allow the music’s horny potency to be watered down by a gathering of what I can only describe as ‘melting Boomers poured into golf shirts.’”
While Prince songs like “Get Off,” “Kiss,” and “Cream” are undeniably sexual, Grier pointed out that all of Prince’s music has a latent erotic quality, regardless of lyrical content. “Take a song like ‘When Doves Cry,’ for example,” said Grier. “It’s a tumultuous examination of an abusive father-son dynamic. And yet, I’ve made love to that song so many times.”
Trump supporter Harold Tupper took offense to the lawsuit. “You’re telling me it’s not sexy when the upper middle class Caucasians of the country assemble to cheer for a man who, based on photo evidence, might wear diapers? Then I guess Olivia Newton-John isn’t sexy, because nothing’s sexy anymore.
At press time, Justin Timberlake has settled out of court regarding a similar lawsuit for his unsuitably dorky 2018 Superbowl cover of Prince’s “I Would Die 4 U.”
