KITCHENER, ON – Evidence from multiple sources points to a far-reaching plot by baby boomers to waste all the money that could be willed to future generations by purchasing millions and millions of bobblehead figurines.
An undercover investigation revealed that the plot has spread across an entire generation. Investigators found a subreddit and several Pinterest boards filled with bobblehead pictures, a detailed checklist of how to destroy the future and memes that say “fuck the young!”. Where once it was thought simple greed and ignorance drove boomers to be such assholes to future generations, there is now proof that it was all intentional.
Experts believe the mass bobblehead purchase is a final act designed to soak up all available cash and trigger economic collapse, while ensuring environmental devastation from petroleum refining and plastic waste. “If we’re going down, the economy is coming down with us!” announced ‘Gail’ in an editorial to Boomer Magazine.
The investigation enlisted the help of thirty-somethings with low paying jobs who still live at home to record conversations and hack into their parents’ laptops. “It was easy,” said millennial Mary Warner, “since they asked me to set up all their passwords.”
Warner heard her parents instructing their lawyer that all their cash, equities, and property were to be liquidated and the proceeds used exclusively to buy Garfield bobbleheads. “Here I am in a part-time job that pays less in real terms than it did in 1980, and they said they wanted to fill their multiple properties with useless, plastic figurines just… just” said Warner, gulping back sobs, “just to fuck over young people. My dad shouted ‘Our good for nothing kids will really hate Mondays!’ – and they laughed and laughed.”