LONDON, ON – Local life coach, Evelyn Bell, 34, has proclaimed she is currently living her best life, no matter what others might think, even as she squeezes the last out of tube of hand cream and applies it directly to her face.
“I’m fucking killing it and I just want to share my life force with others who could use the help,” insisted Bell, as the thick, medicated salve seeped into her pours.
“A lot of so-called friends tell me I try to project my own skewed view of success because deep down I feel that I’m unlovable just as I am. But I’ve learned to cut toxic people out of my life,” said Bell while struggling to put her sunglass on her now greasy hands and face, the pair wriggling like a live fish.
As the interview progressed, Bell insisting several times – unprompted – that she was “feeling fine.” However, sources point to the dozen or so ziploc bags full of dried-out sandwich crusts populating her purse and the inch-wide section of her bangs she burnt off with a curling iron last week as evidence she is struggling just to get by, like the rest of humanity.
“Using hand cream on your face is one of those subtle cries for help, like dating a musician, or being one of those people who lets their dogs lick inside their mouths,” said local Sephora makeup artist, Rajesh Singh, who pointed out that putting hand cream on your face only really makes sense if your face is made of elbow skin. “Oh god, I hope she’s okay.”
At press time, Bell was urgently contacting us to stress that the Toyota Tercel she was driving wasn’t hers, and insisted we clarify that the car she drives was in the shop and it is “a very nice car” and we should see it.
