WASHINGTON DC — After signing a bill aimed at punishing Russia for meddling in the 2016 election, President Donald Trump is reportedly “not looking forward” to an upcoming performance review with his employer, Russian President Vladimir Putin.
“Oh boy, Mr. Putin is not gonna like this,” sighed the head of state for the entire United States Government. While denying reports that Putin ordered a coordinated campaign of hacking and misinformation aimed at getting him elected president, Trump glumly boarded Air Force One to fly to Moscow for the quarterly employee/ employer meeting.
Observers suggest Putin interfered in the election with the goal of having President Trump lift sanctions already in place on the Russian government. Trump’s failure to remove sanctions, as well as signing new sanctions, suggests Putin’s employee assessment may range from “does not meet expectations” to “release the Pee Tapes”.
Sources report White House aides prepping Trump for his employee review by encouraging him to listen attentively, own his mistakes, and definitely not drink any tea that smells like polonium.
While claims of Trump’s campaign colluding with the Kremlin have yet to be proven in court, observers have noted an unusual amount of deference and “running to get coffee” in Trump’s dealings with Putin. “No puppet! No puppet! You’re the puppet!” Trump later shouted when an aide questioned why the president was personally picking up Putin’s dry cleaning.
“I didn’t even want to sign Congress’ stupid sanctions bill – do you think Mr. Putin will understand,” President Trump reportedly asked another low level staffer. Upon being briefed on Putin’s widely-documented history of imprisoning or “dispatching” underlings who have failed him, Trump audibly gulped before adding, “Maybe I’ll bring him a fruit basket”.
At press time, President Trump was waiting anxiously in the hallway outside Putin’s office, as the unmistakable sound of a pet Bengal tiger could be heard inside.