WASHINGTON D.C. – In yet another shift in Donald Trump’s tumultuous administration, young Barron Trump appears set to coast into the role of smartest son to the president of the United States with little resistance.
At the outset of Trump’s presidency, few would have thought that Barron – an 11 year old boy who allegedly believed that Kathy Griffin murdered his father – would find himself within striking distance of being the president’s smartest son. But with Donald Jr. all but admitting to wilful collusion attempts with Russia this week, son-in-law Jared Kushner’s repeatedly bungled attempts at diplomatic relations, and just the totality of Eric Trump, it not only seems that such an outcome is possible, but that Barron could slouch into it with minimal effort.
“I’m the smartest,” explained Barron, probably accurately. “It’s me, I’m the top IQ of anyone out of my brothers. Barron!”
While he could likely secure the position simply by continuing to receive a grade school education and by not putting anything in his mouth that doesn’t belong there, sources suggest that Barron may actually be legitimately intelligent. He is fluent in both English and Slovene, seems eminently capable of dressing himself and entirely avoids embarrassing or incriminating himself on social media. Experts have credited his unique development to a pronounced lack of exposure to his father during his formative years.
This shift in the pecking order has the potential of causing a rift within the Trump family.
“My brothers are stupid idiots. They stink and they’re stupids and their heads have nothing in them but boogers,” said Eric Trump. The 33-year-old businessman went on to explain that he didn’t care if Barron was the smartest son because first is the worst, and second is the best, an argument seemingly based on the premise that he is second.
While Barron already occupies a critical role in the Trump administration (getting trotted out to elicit sympathy), this new designation could result in increased responsibilities and a possible cabinet position. Insiders say that Trump’s inner circle are already feeling threatened, and that Steve Bannon has been heard behind closed doors furiously denouncing the soon-to-be sixth grader as a globalist and a “sneaky little cuck”.
At press time, Barron has already been placed in charge of Trump’s hotels, the Trump Foundation, and resolving the Middle East conflict.