Wow! An exciting scientific breakthrough has proven the definitive way for banishing cellulite forever, and it’s just so simple you’ll be like, why didn’t I think of that! Remove legs!
Participants in a new study were women aged 25 to 40, and, according to the report, “weren’t getting any younger.”
“I tried everything for getting rid of cellulite, from rubbing used coffee grounds, to verbally abusing my thighs,” said Joanne, a patient in the study. “But this leg removal procedure is amazing. I literally feel seventy-five pounds lighter.”
The procedure was pioneered by accident when a Cosmopolitan Magazine editor had a chance meeting with a man she didn’t know. The discovery was serendipitous.
“Cosmo has literally done millions of articles on how to rid cellulite, all of them blatant lies,’ explains Editor-in-Chief Rita Titess. “But then one day I was walking to my car in an abandoned parking lot when this man with an excessive amount of saliva approached me with an x-acto knife. I knew we had finally found the answer.”
Some critics in the medical community have responded to the breakthrough, claiming, “What the fuck?!” and “Please for the love of God, do not remove your legs!” But the happiness from the participants from the study speaks for itself.
“All my life I was embarrassed of my thighs,” said participant Celeste, 32. “And now I have literally nothing to be embarrassed about.”
Titess confirms that, pending FDA approval, many women will be able to have this procedure done in the not-too-distant future, which, she says, “can’t come soon enough because getting older is not acceptable.”
