KENORA, ON – Reckless adventure-lover Devon Howard has grown tired of the ominous warnings personally delivered to him by various time-travelling versions of his future self.
The visits first began as Howard began to develop a taste for base jumping. A portal opened in his living room, and a shorter version of himself emerged to warn him about the tragic accident he suffers in which he loses his shins. Further tales of caution came from a future self whose esophagus was damaged in a sword-swallowing accident, and another future self with robot hands from the time Howard tried boiling lobsters for the first time.
“We don’t have a problem with adventure,” explained a future-Devon with eye-patches over both eyes. “It’s just that young us thinks he’s invincible, when he’s actually clumsy as hell. We’re here to explain that–”
The future-Devon suddenly froze as a hole appeared in his chest, and he died.
“I’ve been thinking about getting into bull-fighting,” explained present-Devon.
Howard insists that he takes proper precautions, and that the flood of visits from future selves is starting to hamper his everyday life.
“I was out on a date the other day,” said Howard. “And I’m about to take a spoonful of hot soup. A future me jumps through a portal shouting ‘NO!’ and I say ‘Okay fine’ and put down the soup. Then a second future me jumps through a portal shouting “NO!” and then he goes on to explain “You guys are only going to go on a couple more dates, then decide you’re not well-matched. You should probably just end it now to be more efficient.”
Howard shook his head, “I feel like I’m being helicopter-parented.”
Present-Devon has employed various tactics to rid himself of his future himselves – most recently attempting to bargain with them: “I said I’d calm down, if they maybe told me where the time machine was, or gave me some hints for the stock market or something. They wouldn’t bite.”
For their part, the future-Devons say they’d be more than happy to leave him alone. “We all miss the future,” explained one of the future-Devons. “Ice cream’s not bad for you anymore, we solved pollution, and there’s an absurd amount of readily available time-travel technology. Seriously, the second it looks like he’s calming down, I’m on the first machine out of here.”
But it appears for the time being that the Devons will remain at an impasse: at press time, present-Devon had gathered all of his future selves in the yard, shouting for them to catch him as he leapt off the roof.