VANCOUVER – A lot of people think that true Christmas spirit is nowhere to be found, but those people haven’t met the Brown family – Arthur, Ellen, Trevor, and Caitlin – who still draw a hot bath and wash Santa Claus’s body every single year.
“Maybe leaving milk and cookies out is enough for some families,” says Arthur. “But in my house we’ve always committed to completely scrubbing down the portly body of that deathless being. No half-measures.”
Incredible. It’s nice to see there are still some families that put real holiday traditions ahead of mindless consumerism.
“It’s been a part of our family since the 1800s,” says Ellen, glowing with pride. “Even during the Great Depression. Times were tough. My grandfather didn’t have soap or a sponge so he greased up a live rat using horse fat and got Santa clean as a whistle.”
Wow. The Brown family are no part-time Christians. While the rest of the world is opening expensive gifts and gorging themselves on turkey, the Brown family is rolling up their sleeves and lathering the broad, hairy back of Santa.
However, not all traditions can remain the same forever.
“My grandfather says Nicolas used to talk about his year while we shampooed his beard and head,” says Ellen. “Nowadays he just sits quietly and lets us get to work. It’s too bad, but that’s his choice and there’s nothing we can do.”
“Besides wash his entire body, of course.”
Amazing. The Brown family is showing everyone that Christmas doesn’t come in a box, it comes in a tub filled to the brim with soapy water and manflesh.