KINGSTON – Staff at a TD Bank branch in Kingston have described a recent robbery attempt committed by three adorably inept criminals as endearingly entertaining. 14 bystanders were killed in the incident.
“These three guys burst through the front doors and started screaming about putting our money into these oversized bags they had with dollar signs on them,” described Kathy Montrose, a bank teller at the branch, “I guess they didn’t plan who was going to come through the doors first and they all tried to go through at the same time. They kind of got wedged and then tripped over each other and spilled into the lobby in a pile. It was actually sort of cute and we all started laughing until the lead robber’s gun fell out of his pocket and went off indiscriminately, ricocheting off a series of unfortunately placed metal buckets until hitting Charlie in the stomach.”
Security camera footage of the lobby caught the entirety of the event. At one point during the robbery, the three perpetrators can clearly be seen removing their masks in order to better address the hostages. Once a security guard pointed out the cameras, however, the criminals appear to sheepishly put their masks back on. Some bank customers can be seen smiling at the slip-up while desperately trying to help several elderly bystanders who had suffered heart attacks from the initial shock of the robbery.
“One of them demanded that I give him ‘consequential bills’ and I asked him if he meant ‘non-sequential’”, Montrose reported, “he gave me kind of a bashful grin and shrugged and then we both laughed about it. Even Mr. Northridge gurgled out a chuckle from beneath the anvil which had fallen on him after one of the perpetrators stumbled into the rickety ladder supporting it.”
“I don’t even know why we kept that thing around,” Montrose admitted.
Witnesses stated that the robbers kept repeating that they didn’t want to hurt anyone and led the hostages into the bank vault for safety purposes. Unfortunately, the criminals then mistakenly triggered a ‘Rube Goldberg-esque’ sequence of events which included a bicycle horn, hamster wheel, and bowling ball – all of which ultimately resulted in the shutting of the vault door and suffocation of all those within.
“They kept accidentally using their real names instead of their code names and it became sort of like a running joke each time they messed up like that. I think we got up to 28 times or so before Frank (one of the robbers) slipped on one of Tony’s (the robbers’ trained chimp) banana peels and set off the explosives they had set by the entrance.” Montrose confirmed.
Following the robbery, the assailants embarked on a madcap car chase through parks, cemeteries, and carnival grounds, which delighted pursuing police and accidentally set fire to several orphanages.
