TORONTO – Peter Mansbridge’s announcement that he will be retiring in July 2017 have left the middle-aged mothers of Canada with even fewer celebrities about which to sexually fantasize.
“He was the man who I said ‘goodnight’ to on weeknights, but I always wanted him to say good morning,’” reminisced Gail Breckett of North Battleford, Saskatchewan. “The National has always come on at 8 PM, and so have I.”
Mansbridge has been anchor of The National for 28 years and the feature of many hot and steamy erotic dreams for countless greying mothers. His familiar, commanding baritone voice and shiny, perfectly formed head helped inform millions of Canadians of the day’s events while leading to an earth shattering climax that would break the Richter scale.
“I remember when he was young and reporting on the Fall of the Berlin Wall,” recalled Simone Dion of Saint John, New Brunswick. “I remember visualizing how I would run my fingers through his thinning hair as he read off the historical significance of the collapse of communism and the ushering in of a new era. ‘Tell me more!’ I would beg as I unbuttoned his shirt.”
Many of the nation’s female baby boomers described how their pillow talk would be stimulating as they shared their innermost thoughts about Canadian politics, while Mansbridge stroked their thigh and expertly moderated the post-coital discussion on electoral reform with Andrew Coyne and Chantal Hebert.
According to sources, the nation’s mothers will have to resort back to eye-fucking Alex Trebek every night on NBC.
