BERLIN – Speaking before an assembled group of reporters, Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany has announced the entire nation is thrilled that they will probably be considered a good guy in the upcoming World War III.
“All indications suggest that if the next global conflict of sufficient magnitude to be called a “World War” were to happen tomorrow, Germany would be on the side of what most people would probably later consider to be the heroes,” Merkel explained, “and considering our past roles in World Wars, we couldn’t be happier with this shift in position.”
Previous World Wars involved Germany in a far less appealing light, ranging from “imperial aggressor” in the World War I to “archetypal exemplar of all human evil even to this day” in the far more popular World War II.
However, the nation’s rejection of fascism and embracing of Western liberalism and democracy over the past 80 years have made many confident that when it all goes to hell, we will all collectively praise Germany’s heroic defence of Berlin from the terrible aggression of someone else.
“Look, we know that the next World War is gonna happen any day now and whether it’s against a conglomeration of Muslim states or maybe even China, I think most people will see us as being one of the white hats this time,” Merkel continued.
Before its good-guy turn, many were expecting World War III to feature Germany trying to conquer all the oceans with a death ray or some such thing. Now all eyes turn towards Russia, which was kind of an anti-hero in the first two entries but has slowly moved closer to the darkness since 1945.
However some prognosticators have advised not to discount black horse candidates like the United States or the United Kingdom, both of whom appear to be in danger of spiralling into chaos and authoritarianism.
“It’s not unprecedented,” said Maxim Studtkopf, war historian at the University of Stockholm, “the third installment is usually where the bad guys turn good and team up with their former enemies to take down an even bigger threat. Look at Return of the Jedi, Ocean’s 13, or even Pirates of the Caribbean. Yes, Germany will definitely be the Captain Barbossa of World War III.”
