OTTAWA — In a secret location at Tunney’s Pasture in Ottawa, an elite team of statisticians are on high alert ready to be deployed anywhere in the country at a moment’s notice in the event that a household does not fill out their census. They call themselves the Joint Task Force Enumerators.
While many statisticians dream one day of becoming part of this exclusive team, only the very finest data collectors are selected after rigorous fitness, firearms and basic math training.
“We only take the cream of the cream when it comes to this team,” explained Canada’s Chief Statistician Wayne Smith. “The ability to survive in any environment, precise marksmanship, and performing a perfect headcount are just some of the skills you need to even be considered.”
Armed with a clipboard, pen and an MP5 sub-machine gun, crew leaders and enumerators are regularly deployed to potentially hostile areas where citizens are reluctant or just plain forget about their duty to declare whether they are a farm operator who produces at least one agricultural product intended for sale.
Enumeration Task Force members radio in for more clipboards, pens, and close air support.
During the interview, an urgent call came into the team prompting the squad to quickly assemble into the the briefing room.
“We have intel that indicates the Howards of Surrey, BC may be refusing to fill out their census either on paper or electronically,” explained crew leader Marie Laverendrye.
The team sprung into action cocking the covers to their calculators and slipping them into their holsters.
After rappelling from one of the sixty Statistics Canada Griffon Helicopters in downtown Surrey, a 12 person team equipped with night vision goggles staked out the Howard household overnight that was rumoured to be occupied, but no census was received from the location.
At 10:33 AM, six members of the team made their move on the back of the suburban home while the other half approached the front, pushed the doorbell and waited.
“No one’s answering! Forced entry! Get the battering ram!” commanded Crew Leader Tom ‘The Count’ Gavaskar and within moments the door was smashed off of its hinges while the team in the rear detonated several flashbang grenades and a pre-recorded message from the Chief Statistician reminding them about the census.
“Freeze and be counted!” the team demanded from the confused family of four living in the dwelling. The interrogation of the head of the household began immediately.
“Do you think we’re really that stupid?” yelled a masked enumerator while pointing his weapon at a terrified resident. “We know you’re claiming residency here. Now tell us how many people live in this household, or else we’ll be forced to send you another reminder.”
Team members are reminding residents of this building they have until May 10th to fill out their census.
While enforcing and protecting census data is intense, it’s also dangerous for all forms of data. Many members still recall the 2011 short-form tragedy. “Those were the dark days; we lost a lot of good and fine data” explained Gavaskar with a tear rolling down his cheek. “I’d prefer not to talk about it.”
Photos from: depositphotos.com zabelin, photovova
