OTTAWA — Upon hearing about the Panama Papers scandal, Cheryl from the office loaded all 11.5 million leaked documents up on her computer, but became frustrated when the formatting got “wonky” and decided it would be much easier to just print them all out.
“This Panama scandal was all over my Yahoo homepage this morning—just sounds so juicy!” exclaimed the 58-year-old office administrator while pumping a generous amount of Raspberry-Dazzle-scented hand sanitizer into her palm.
Over by the printer, another employee was debating printing an important contract when the communal 2001 HP Laserjet Pro started to make the sound of an engine revving.
“At first I thought it was a mistake when I saw ‘11.5 million pages’ on the print queue,” explained the coworker, “but as I moved my hand toward the “Cancel Print” button, I saw Cheryl mouth the words ‘don’t you dare’ from a few cubicles away.”
Pressed for comment, Cheryl confirmed that the indulgent print job was “fully intentional.” Motioning toward a messy filing cabinet bursting with printed-out emails, she told reporters, “It’s just a hassle to click and scroll through all these things. If I print them out then I can access them at any time, right here in my cabinet.”
Back at the printer, the mood became hostile as other office workers were forced to wait their turn to print while Cheryl slowly ate spoonfuls of Activia yogurt, keeping a watchful eye on the completely unnecessary print job.
Seven hours into the printing process, Cheryl was forced to cancel and start over, realizing that she had accidentally loaded label paper into the printer. In total, the job required over 23,000 reams of paper and over 2000 litres of ink. Unfortunately, the content of the documents failed to hold Cheryl’s attention, so she turned instead to a game of Candy Crush on the iPad her niece gave her. At press time, Cheryl was banned from using the printer.