AL-RAQQAH, SYRIA – Sources inside the Islamic State expressed shock today as several fighters boarded aircraft for Missouri with the intention of dwelling peacefully in the quiet suburb of White Creek.
“We’re shocked, and we’re scared, and we just want them to come home,” said ISIS leader Abu-Bakr Al-Baghdadi. “We just can’t understand what made these confused young people leave their homes for a life of nonviolence.”
Sources close to the defectors say that they had begun to isolate themselves from their friends and human chattels in the months leading up to defection, and that their google search histories had begun to include terms like ‘mashed potatoes’, ‘dying of old age’, and ‘Steve Miller Band’.
“Unfortunately, I think the internet is responsible for the spread of reasonable ideas among ISIS youth,” said Hashim al-Husni, ISIS hacker. “They specifically target well-adjusted young people and inculcate them with the belief that peace and prosperity can make them happy.”
With no word yet from any of the defectors, friends and family have been forced to live every day with the dread that their loved ones have not died a horrible death.
