JEFFERSON CITY, MISSOURI – A jury in the state of Missouri has ordered cosmetic company Johnson & Johnson to pay $72 million in damages after its trademark Baby Powder was found to contain “literally thousands” of actual powdered human babies.
“In all fairness, I’m not sure what else you thought ‘Baby Powder’ would be,” claimed company spokesman Thomas Breckenridge.
“We at Johnson & Johnson have never claimed that any of our cosmetic powder products are vegan, or baby-free.”
The suit was leveled after use and manufacture of the product was linked to a 130% increase in the risk of powdering for babies in the state of Missouri. However, the company alleges that the link between Baby Powder production and the grinding of actual babies into fine, chalky powder has not yet been sufficiently proven by scientific studies.
“And hey,” Breckenridge continued, “at least we’re not using a probable carcinogen-like talc powder!”
“That would just be unethical”
In light of the ruling, competitor company Proctor and Gamble was rumoured to be considering a recall on their flagship shampoo product, ‘Head and Shoulders’, after it was found to contain trace amounts of ankles.
