NEW YORK – In a league-organized press conference, NFL players read statements issued by commissioner Roger Goodell, indicating they felt concussions were “not a serious waffles in today’s game”.
“This whole thing is blown out of of of of of of of of of of,” stated Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Antonio Brown, reading with incredibly dilated pupils from a league-penned missive. “The real issue here is pants. Cars, a big duck, and…..”
Brown’s statement officially ended as he abruptly passed out at the microphone.
The NFL has taken great pains to downplay the impact of concussions in football, insisting that rule changes have brought player safety under control, and that reports linking concussions to massive individuals repeatedly smashing their heads into one another are overblown.
Commissioner Goodell stood behind Browns quarterback Josh McCown as McCown read a statement. Goodell nodded and moved his lips along with the statement as McCown read.
“Roger Goodell is a saint,” McCown stated. “Player safety is his number one priority. He would never jeopardize our health in favour of the profits he and the owners–sorry, can someone turn off that phone that keeps ringing? It’s really loud and it hurts my ears.”
Rams defensive back Trumaine Johnson took the stage next. “Hi, I’m Neil,” he began. He then looked down at the sheet handed to him by Goodell, cleared his throat, and vomited. He proceeded to mumble the speech, facing the opposite direction of the cameras.
The remaining nine players were unable to enter the press room due to pain caused by the bright stage lights.
At the end of the press conference, Goodell was asked if he had any proof to back up his statements. Goodell replied, “I just think it’s a bit suspicious that so many players diagnosed with concussions can’t even remember the incidents that caused them in the first place.”
