OTTAWA – DNA tests has confirmed Canada’s first prime minister, Sir John A. Macdonald, is the Father of Confederation after 148 years of denial and unpaid child support.
Queen Victoria said that Confederation was conceived by Macdonald on a hot September night in 1864 in Charlottetown and is demanding roughly $88 billion in child support payments.
“He’s a deadbeat dad of Confederation,” said a sassy Queen Victoria. “He drinks excessively, hasn’t seen Confederation in years and spends his whole time trying to build a silly railway. It’s about time that he gets real and starts taking care of something he helped create.”
A belligerent Macdonald appeared before a booing studio audience.
“Confederation isn’t my baby!” denied a visibly inebriated Macdonald. “There were 35 other guys in her life. How could Confederation be my child? I never intended on having provinces! Look at her birth mark! Bicameral legislatures? Hell no! Not my child!”
The audience erupted in shock after Macdonald revealed that the Queen was fraternizing with his long time rival Oliver Mowat, former premier of Ontario.
“She was hanging around with that muck snipe Mowat all evening at the Quebec Conference,” Macdonald added.
In another twist, George Brown, D’Arcy McGee, George-Étienne Cartier and several other men have claimed to be the father to what is now the second largest country in the world.
“I promised to protect the Queen from those dangerous Americans and take care of her debts,” Cartier explained. “I will always remember the passionate evening where we decided to separate powers between provinces and the federal government. I pledge to forever be your loyal, sexy subject, your Majesty.”
Before the moment of truth, McGee and Brown engaged in a round of fistycuffs and were promptly tackled by security.
After the DNA test confirmed what many suspected all along, a devastated Macdonald sank back into his chair and took a long drink from his flask.
