HAMILTON, ON – Through the application of deductive methods and gumption, local boy detective Ronald “Reference” Wilson, 11, has made the discovery that his grandfather is having really weird sex
Dubbed by Wilson as ‘The Case of the Absent Grandpa’, the investigation began when he and his ragamuffin pals noticed the mysterious, twice-monthly weekend disappearances of 72-year-old Archibald Wilson.
“At first we thought he might be doing something illegal: maybe in league with the pirates out of Smuggler’s Cove,” said Darryl “Magnifying” Glass, Wilson’s sidekick. “But when we found out that he was taking bus trips to Toronto, we realized it had to be something truly debauched.”
This discovery caused Wilson to reassess clues he had found while sneaking into his grandfather’s bedroom. “I thought the saddle and the bottle labeled ‘lubricant’ were for trips on a Shetland pony, going through the uplands to searcsexsexh for buried gold. I mean, you need to oil your saddle, right?” Said Wilson. “But when I found out he was going to the big city, I realized that the lubricant was probably for an engine, indicating involvement with outlaw bikers. The saddle must have been planted, to throw me off the scent”
“Which reminds me,” Wilson added. “The saddle smelled pretty weird.”
After saving up weeks of snow-shovelling and paper-delivery money, Wilson followed his grandfather onto the bus, wearing an oversized fedora and a false moustache to conceal his identity. Once in the city, Wilson followed his grandfather to a nondescript house, and found a basement window to look into.
“My arch-nemesis ‘Meany’ Flynn might be the nastiest 15-year-old in the greater Hamilton area, but even he never blindfolded me, tied me to a chair, and spat on me while wearing skin-tight leather,” said the plucky young crime-solver. “No sirree Bob.”
Added Wilson, “Being an adult is really complicated, isn’t it?”
Reached for comment, the owner of the house only said that she thought “the crying kid looking in through the window was part of the whole thing.”
With this file closed, Wilson can now move on to his next big mystery: The Case of What Exactly the Grade 10s Are Doing When They Head Into the Ravine Behind the School During Lunch Hour.
