MOSCOW – Responding to international pressure over homophobic legislation, Russian president Vladimir Putin has announced the passing of a new universal law against displays of pride.
“Russia is not a homophobic nation as our critics would like us to seem. We are merely a humble and reserved nation,” proclaimed Putin descending from the bare back of a white horse. “This is why we are making it illegal within Russia to display any form of pride for sexuality, nation or personal accomplishment.”
The International Olympics Committee is quietly and discretely displaying agreement with new Russian policy.
“After weeks of negotiation and consultation the IOC and Russian officials have come up with a fair and unbiased legislation,” announced IOC head Thomas Bach. “Of course, it goes without saying that myself and my IOC colleagues involved in negotiations feel no sense of accomplishment or satisfaction at the results of our efforts.”
Not everyone is as quietly contented by the news.
“I can’t control my players from celebrating after they win and our fans have no idea how to watch any sporting event without stripping their larynx with the name of our country,” said team USA hockey coach Dan Bylsma. “If this legislation stands, my entire team and all our fans will be in jail by the third period.”
