By Finance Minister Jim Flaherty
Hey hey it’s that time of year again! Old J Flarez is throwing another one of his EPIC help-me-balance-the-budget parties. This party is going to be off the hook and as always, it’s BYOBB (bring your own balanced budget…LOL!).
This year’s budget-bash is going to be crunch-tackular. The Harp Dawg is letting us use his basement, and things are going to get crazy. We are going to crunch maaad numbers and write a tightass press release to boot. Sound sweet? You know it does!
By now your interest must be piqued, but just in case, let me tell you about a few more surprises we’ve got in store for this year’s budget balancing bonanza.
I’m bringing Taboo! And Apples to Apples! Also… wait for it… if that baby is balanced before 8PM…. wait for it… Harp Dawg is going to let us use his karaoke machine! Remember last year when Mark Carney sang ‘mo money mo problems’? People were going CRAZY! Also, a little bird told me that if the budget is REALLY balanced, Stevie himself is going to sing
“Can’t Buy Me Love.” Now that’s what I call leadership!
And hey, if budget-balancing isn’t your thing, that’s cool too. I found an old budget from 1971 that we can just cheat off of. The trick is add a few zeros here and there to account for inflation and to change all mentions of “energy crisis” to “financial crisis.” We’re always so tired after all the beer and board games that this is what we usually end up doing anyway. No need to reinvent the wheel here. We’re politicians; not scientists.
Now I know what you’re all thinking: “J Dawg, my man – there is no way this year’s budget will be as much fun as last year’s.” But trust me, this is going to be the party of the decade! We have a lot of budget cuts to make, but according to US Weekly and The Economist, cutting is the new spending.
Anyway bros and brodettes, I have to go vacuum Harper’s basement, and get a haircut before this party for all the cute CPAs on the RSVP list. It would really mean a lot to me if you come and help me balance the budget because I don’t really see it getting done if you don’t come over. And remember: for every billion dollars of federal spending we cut, EVERYBODY DRINKS!
Flaherty OUT
